Do you still keep a diary/journal? Not a blog or anything online, just ink and paper. :)
Yes, I do. ;)
‘Cause the view is awesome.
Thoughts
In one of those nights where loud music played, free flowing booze served, and bodies swayed on the dance floor, I think I let something slip. Well, yeah, someone. But not that I was attached, just to make my self clear.
It was more on the impact of what happened. Remembering it, I begin to realize a lot of things.
I think I am too doubtful. I would always have second thoughts about people who would give me some attention and care. I would always think that maybe, they wanted something back from me or if not, it is just for the sake of pure friendship. While it is true that actions speak louder than words, the former could never substitute for the latter.
I want to be reminded of what the actions are for. For not until then, I would not dare look beyond. I always wanted to be on the safe side. I have seen some of my friends get into trouble because of overlooking things. And that is enough to convince me not to think way too much. So not until intentions have been laid, I would not entertain the thought no matter how obvious the actions may seem to be.
I always put my guard down. People do not get my trust outright. I believe that there is a level of self-disclosure appropriate to every people I meet. The closer I am to somebody, the higher the self-disclosure becomes.
This would also cover the aspect of emotional investment. My friends tell me they admire me for being able to control my emotions, but believe me it is not always that easy. There are times when my backbone becomes weak. I guess it has its own good and not so good results.
I am too much of a dalagang Pilipina. That night I was describing at the beginning of this post made me realize that maybe I am too passive. I sort of regretted things I did not do all because of this stupid pride. It would not have hurt if I initiated things. I was very much concerned about my image. I was thinking I might be misunderstood and might be branded as too aggressive and slutty.
So where are all these things coming from? I had a long conversation with a guy friend last night. We talked until about four in the morning about some things including that night. Well…
